My Journey Regarding Same-Sex Marriage and Being a Christian

Royal weddings make a big “to do” before bride and groom say, “I do.” The weeks leading up to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton inundated us with in depth analysis of every aspect of the big day: The flowers, the hair and make-up, the dress. I remember seeing an itinerary that broke the event down into 3 minute increments; 3 minutes! I was quite thankful to not be the clergyman officiating that service. I could just see the wedding coordinator stepping up mid-sermon and saying, “Terribly sorry, Reverend, but could you bring your remarks to a conclusion? We’re behind schedule.”

That would be distressing. My stiff upper lip might even quiver, but that is nothing compared to the disaster Jesus describes in “The Parable of the Wedding Feast;” “parable of the wedding fiasco” might be a better title.

A prince is getting married. His father the king sends out the invitations. No one RSVP’s. He tells the caterers to go ahead and prepare the feast, and he sends out more invitations. Not only do the recipients not RSVP, they seize his servants, abuse them, and kill them.

Kings do not tolerate such behavior; the reprisal is swift and severe, but the prince is still getting married. The king’s wrath is replaced by his generosity. “Invite everyone, the good and the bad, so my hall is filled for my son’s wedding.”

“Y’all come,” as they say down south, and they came, but one fellow didn’t have the proper attire. “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” so the king orders that this wedding crasher be thrown “into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

This king has issues, so do we. This week, the Supreme Court declined to act regarding 5 states laws permitting same-sex marriage. With this decision, a majority of Americans now live in states that allow same-sex marriage. We live in a state that allows same-sex marriage.

We have issues. What should we do? Every wedding in a Presbyterian church is authorized by Session; Session has the power to set policy; our present policy defines marriage as being “between a man and a woman,” thus prohibiting same-sex marriage.

We have issues. Feelings run high on both sides of the question, and I confess that I was tempted to leave this alone and play it safe; but when the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church USA recommended changes to our Directory for Worship that would allow same-sex marriage, it was our turn to make headlines. The following Sunday, two of us asked me the same question at different times: “Would I officiate at a same-sex wedding?” I suspect one wanted to hear “yes” and one “no.” Instead, I said that I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt our church. We have to be ready for that wedding.

Leaving this issue alone won’t get us ready. The anxiety and turmoil we feel (probably right now) testify to our need to think faithfully (faith-fully) about same-sex marriage. We won’t complete that journey this morning, but we will begin. We will begin through this puzzling parable that Jesus taught us about a wedding crasher crashing the wedding.

1.   Crashing the Wedding

The first time the king sends out the invitation; no one RSVP’s. The reason many Christians would not RSVP to a same-sex marriage and why the thought of their church and their pastor being involved in a same-sex marriage causes deep distress is that the Bible says that such relations are a sin. How can we bless what the Bible condemns?

I’ve studied this in some depth over the past few years, and my conclusion is that what the Bible is talking about isn’t the same as what we are talking about. I am convinced that the Bible is talking about pagan worship practices and about abusive practices in the Greco-Roman world. 

Simply put, I can affirm what those passages teach without concluding that the same-sex relations we are talking about are a sin.

My mind has changed in the last 5 years. It has changed about homosexuality. It has changed about same-sex marriage. 

What started me on that journey was the gospel itself. Matthew 22:8–9 (NRSV) ⁸ Then he said to his slaves, ‘The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. ⁹ Go therefore into the main streets, and invite everyone you find to the wedding banquet.’

Crashing the wedding is central to the gospel: radical inclusiveness permeates the message of Jesus. Whatever we think about this issue, we cannot ignore the way God keeps reaching out with good news:

Matthew 11:28–29 (NRSV) ²⁸ “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

John 10:16 (NRSV) ¹⁶ I have other sheep that do not belong to this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.

John 3:16 (NRSV) ¹⁶ “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.

Crashing the wedding is central to the gospel; the good news of Jesus Christ is open and inviting, but the traditional stance that condemned homosexuality and forbade same-sex marriage resulted in the perception that God hated homosexuals and that Christians hate homosexuals. To be sure, we talked about “loving the sinner and hating the sin,” but people didn’t believe it; in particular, homosexuals and their families and friends did not believe it. What they heard (and what they all too often experienced) was “throw them into the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Since the Presbyterian Church proposed this change in its wedding policy, it has been interesting to observe the response. John MacArthur, a prominent evangelical pastor and writer called us, “Satan’s church.” Members and congregations have left the denomination. We’ve been condemned. We’ve been rejected. And I wonder if this is what it has been like to be a homosexual in the church all-along? I wonder if this is why it is so hard for folks to come out of the closet, especially to their pastor, because they rightly fear what the response will be.

I realize this isn’t easy. I recognize that this is a major change of mind. Set aside your preconceived notions. See the homosexual, see same-sex marriage through eyes of Jesus and the good news of the gospel. God loves us all; God invites us all, gay and straight, to crash his wedding. Shouldn’t we do the same?

2.   The Wedding Crasher

Does this mean there is no morality anymore; we can do whatever we want? What can we say about “right and wrong” if we are to welcome “good and bad?”

The king crashes his own wedding. Good and bad are invited. If the parable ended there, the message of radical inclusivity would be absolute, but the parable doesn’t end there. Instead, Jesus introduces a wedding crasher who isn’t properly attired and pays a terrible price for it.

God loves us too much to leave us alone. This truth is often invoked to challenge the homosexual to change their behavior, but it also challenges you and me to change our minds, our attitudes, and our behavior.

As the Apostle Paul put it: Philippian 4:8-9 Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

The question this parable puts to you and me is: Who are you wearing to the wedding?

When Prince William and Kate Middleton had their big day, we knew who they were wearing. Prince Harry caused a stir by wearing the red tunic of the Irish Guard rather than the blue uniform of the Royal Air Force in which he is a captain; but, the big question was who Kate would wear, and The Sunday Times published their scoop a full month before the wedding that she would be wearing a dress designed by Sarah Burton of the McQueen fashion house. This too caused a stir as McQueen is owned by the Italian firm Gucci, and it was the first time a British-owned house wasn’t chosen.

Who are you wearing to the wedding? Who sets the shape of and designs your attitudes and actions?

The wedding crasher wasn’t properly attired. His attitudes and actions did not fit the king’s invitation.

Galatians 3:27–28 (NRSV) ²⁷ As many of you as were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. ²⁸ There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

The good news of the gospel demands a response, an RSVP if you will; that response is to clothe ourselves with Jesus Christ. Being a Christian means being committed to become more and more like Jesus Christ every-day; every-day at work and every-day at home and every-day anywhere we may be. Being a Christian also means becoming more and more like Jesus Christ in every relationship, most notably in our marriages.

Marriage is lifted up in Ephesians as a model for the relationship between Jesus and the Church. Revelation describes the Church as “the bride of Christ.” Marriage throughout the Bible is the central ordering covenant relationship of human beings. The wedding industry might want to sell the notion that a wedding is about romance, but the Bible is clear that marriage is about discipleship; marriage is about clothing ourselves with Jesus Christ as we model his relationship with the Church through our relationship with our husband or our wife.

Marriage is a covenant that brings moral order to our lives and to society. Denying gays and lesbians the right to marry denies them the opportunity and more importantly the responsibility to bring moral order to their lives and thereby add to the moral order in our society. Consecrating same-sex marriages offers the opportunity and the responsibility to each partner to be clothed with Jesus Christ and become more and more like him every day in every way through the particular trials and tribulations that they will experience through their marriages. Simply put, making promises to God and to one another of love and faithfulness are easy; keeping those promises is the work of a lifetime, “til death do us part.”

Who are you wearing to the wedding? Clothe yourself with Jesus Christ. Husbands, love your wives. Wives, love your husbands. Before we talk about someone else’s marriage vows, let’s be sure we fulfill our own!

God loves us too much to leave us alone. We cannot evade the question of same-sex marriage. One way or another, every church and every Christian will answer it.

How will we answer it? Answer it like Christ. Answer it by looking at our gay and lesbian neighbor as a brother and sister in Christ. Answer it by seeing “them” as “one of us” for whom Christ died, one of us who is also an invited guest and not a wedding crasher. Amen.